How do you catch King Kong?
Hang upside down
and make a noise like a banana.
Premature Ejaculation
Denied membership in an exclusive country
club because he was an
actor, biblical epic star Victor Mature is
reported to have said "Hell,
I'm no actor, and I've got thirty
movies to prove it!"
BodyBuilding
Would you like to buy a second-hand
computer?
I'm afraid not. I'm only able to type with one hand as it is.
Nutrients
What have men and spray paint in common?
One
squeeze and they're all over you.
Pregnancy
Knock Knock
Who's there !
Chair
!
Chair who?
Chair you go again, asking more questions !
Grooming
How did the flea learn to use the
internet?
He had to start from scratch.
wedding program
Did you hear about the new shark food
restaurant
called Jaws?
It costs an arm and a leg to eat
there!
home mortgage
Q: Why did the bass player get mad at the
timpanist?
A: He turned a peg and wouldn't tell the bass player which
one.
garden plans
Father Christmas: What's your
favourite
Christmas story?
Elf: The one where the three creatures are scared
of the Big Bad Wolf
and they grow on trees!
Father Christmas: You
mean 'The Three Little Figs'.
10 most extreme sports
"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering
from pneumonia? I've heared once about a doctor treating someone
with
pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."
"Don't worry, it
won't happen to me. If I treat someone with
pneumonia he will die
of pneumonia."
cat pet food
What happened to the dog that fell into a
lens-grinding machine?
He made a spectacle of himself.
LangdonDonalpb
Adam: How did Mummy know you
hadn't had a
bath?
Eve: I forgot to dirty the towel, wet the soap and flood the
bathroom.
CaulanLeodUL
"What are you reading?" demanded
the father
of his seven-year-old.
"A story about a cow jumping over the
moon," was the reply.
"Throw that book away at once," he
commanded.
"How many times have I told you you're too young to read
science
fiction?"
MacNachtanHrycgsi
Q.
Why did the blonde get so excited when
she finished the jigsaw puzzle
after only 6 months?
A. Because on
the box it said: From 2-4 years.
BalforeClancyyc
What's grey, stands in a river when it
rains and doesn't get wet ?
An elephant with an umbrella !
EIlisDeependukr
An inexperienced real estate
salesman
asked his boss if he could refund the deposit to an angry
customer who
had discovered that the lot he had bought was under water.
"What
kind of salesman are you?" the boss scolded. "Get out there
and sell
him a boat."
TripperFillmoreuE
She was two thirds married once.
What do
you mean ?
Well, she turned up, the Minster turned up, but the groom
didn't !
LincolnBarthnX
What do you get if you stuff your computer's
disk drive
with herbs?
A thyme machine.
MustafaBaltasarMV
Why are burglars such good tennis players
?
Because they spend such a lot of their time in courts !
DerikRufofM
A little boy came running into the kitchen.
'Dad, dad' he said, 'there's a monster at the door with a really
ugly
face'
'Tell him you've already got one,' said his father
!
CalloughNiguelrJ